More Steven Wright Quotes

1. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a pi ...
   
2. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my han ...
   
3. Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the ti ...
   
4. Black holes are where God divided by zero. ...
   
5. Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a sma ...
   
6. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a ...
   
7. Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, ye ...
   
8. Every now and then I like to lean out my window, l ...
   
9. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the wi ...
   
10. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the tim ...
    
11. How young can you die of old age? ...
    
12. I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. I ...
    
13. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included ...
    
14. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, bu ...
    
15. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropol ...
    
16. I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' w ...
    
17. I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You ...
    
18. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people ...
    
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ...
    
20. I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend ...
    
21. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-r ...
    
22. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only ...
    
23. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the ...
    
24. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You coul ...
    
25. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wanderi ...
    
26. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when ...
    
27. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at a ...
    
28. I went to a store and asked if they had anything t ...
    
29. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ...
    
30. I'm living on a one-way dead end street. I don't k ...
    
31. If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how wo ...
    
32. If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, h ...
    
33. If God dropped acid, would he see people? ...
    
34. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats a ...
    
35. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer ...
    
36. It doesn't make a difference what temperature a ro ...
    
37. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint i ...
    
38. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tar ...
    
39. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and re ...
    
40. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone ...
    
41. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He wa ...
    
42. My apartment was robbed and everything was replace ...
    
43. My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sl ...
    
44. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ...
    
45. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the sa ...
    
46. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned ...
    
47. The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here ...
    
48. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no ...
    
49. There's a fine line between fishing and just stand ...
    
50. They say the sun never sets over the British Empir ...
    
51. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executiv ...
    
52. What's another word for Thesaurus ...
    
53. When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those ...
    
54. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me ...
    
55. Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my h ...
    
56. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that bl ...
    
57. You can't have everything. Where would you put it ...
    
58. You know when you put a stick in water and it look ...