Steven Wright Quotes - Famous Quotes by Steven Wright
Born: 1955-12-06
Died: 0000-00-00
Steven Wright Biography
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
- Steven Wright
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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- Steven Wright
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Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Travel ] ***
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Astronomy ] [ Space ] ***
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright
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Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Deep Thoughts ] [ Money ] ***
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
- Steven Wright
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Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Astronomy ] [ Space ] ***
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
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How young can you die of old age?
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Old Age ] ***
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Dog ] ***
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Education ] ***
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- Steven Wright
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I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
- Steven Wright
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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright
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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
- Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Book ] ***
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Advertising ] ***
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Business ] ***
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Dream ] ***
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Food ] ***
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
- Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Peace ] ***
I'm living on a one-way dead end street. I don't know how I got there.
- Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know
- Steven Wright
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If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Deep Thoughts ] ***
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it
- Steven Wright
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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer
- Steven Wright
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'
- Steven Wright
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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday'
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Birthday ] ***
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- Steven Wright
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My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
- Steven Wright
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My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
- Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Science ] ***
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Steven Wright
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The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Hope ] ***
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.
- Steven Wright
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Steven Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Fishing ] ***
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
- Steven Wright
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Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
- Steven Wright
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What's another word for Thesaurus
- Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
- Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- Steven Wright
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Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Computer ] ***
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright
More quotations on: [ Airplane ] ***
You can't have everything. Where would you put it
- Steven Wright
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You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
- Steven Wright
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