Groucho Marx Quotes - Famous Quotes by Groucho Marx
Born: 1890-10-02
Died: 1977-08-19
Groucho Marx Biography
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
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A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
- Groucho Marx
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Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? (Monkey Business)
- Groucho Marx
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Africa is God's country, and He can have it. (Animal Crackers)
- Groucho Marx
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
- Groucho Marx
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
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Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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Clear? Huh! Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx
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Every time I get romantic with you, you want to talk business. I don't know, there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman. (Night at the Opera)
- Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
- Groucho Marx
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Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
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I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx
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I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
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I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
- Groucho Marx
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I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
- Groucho Marx
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I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Horse Feathers)
- Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
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I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
- Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Groucho Marx
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I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure. (Go West)
- Groucho Marx
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I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
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If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.
- Groucho Marx
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In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
- Groucho Marx
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- Groucho Marx
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Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
- Groucho Marx
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Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo. - Duck Soup 1934
- Groucho Marx
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Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
- Groucho Marx
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My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team. (Horse Feathers)
- Groucho Marx
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My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
- Groucho Marx
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No, no, I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. (At the Circus)
- Groucho Marx
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Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Monkey Business)
- Groucho Marx
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One morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I don't know. (Animal Crackers)
- Groucho Marx
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One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. (Animal Crackers)
- Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
- Groucho Marx
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Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- Groucho Marx
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There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse, or a broad.
- Groucho Marx
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This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on. (Animal Crackers)
- Groucho Marx
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
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Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice. (Horse Feathers)
- Groucho Marx
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We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. (Animal Crackers)
- Groucho Marx
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We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. (A Night in Casablanca)
- Groucho Marx
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When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay. (Night at the Opera)
- Groucho Marx
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Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? (Horse Feathers)
- Groucho Marx
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Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?
- Groucho Marx
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx
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You are only as old as the woman you feel.
- Groucho Marx
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You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. (Duck Soup)
- Groucho Marx
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You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie. (Night at the Opera)
- Groucho Marx
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You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Horse Feathers)
- Groucho Marx
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