Woody Allen Quotes - Famous Quotes by Woody Allen
Born: 1935-12-01
Died: 0000-00-00
Woody Allen Biography
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.
- Woody Allen
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Tree ] ***
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
- Woody Allen
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
- Woody Allen
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Success ] ***
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen
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Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
- Woody Allen
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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen
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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal
- Woody Allen
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen
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How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ God ] ***
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
- Woody Allen
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How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen
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I am an only child. I have one sister.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Family ] ***
I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen
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I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Laughter ] ***
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Jesus ] ***
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Government ] ***
I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.
- Woody Allen
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Music ] ***
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Atheist ] ***
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Parent ] ***
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Death ] ***
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Chess ] ***
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Education ] ***
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen
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I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
- Woody Allen
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I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Philosophy ] ***
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ College ] [ Philosophy ] ***
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Food ] ***
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen
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I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Death ] ***
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen
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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ God ] [ Atheist ] ***
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Movie ] ***
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Movie ] ***
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ God ] ***
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ God ] [ Planning ] ***
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Failure ] ***
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Television ] ***
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- Woody Allen
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Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
- Woody Allen
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Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
- Woody Allen
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Death ] ***
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen
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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
- Woody Allen
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
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It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Life ] ***
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Life ] ***
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Life ] ***
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Money ] ***
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Fun ] ***
My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?
- Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ God ] [ Atheist ] ***
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
- Woody Allen
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Death ] ***
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Criminal ] ***
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen
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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Woody Allen
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Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
- Woody Allen
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
- Woody Allen
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Food ] ***
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
- Woody Allen
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The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
- Woody Allen
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Talent ] ***
The wicked at heart probably know something.
- Woody Allen
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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
- Woody Allen
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
- Woody Allen
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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
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Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Time ] ***
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Atheist ] ***
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
- Woody Allen
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We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.
- Woody Allen
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Philosophy ] ***
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen
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When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. (at the 2002 Oscars)
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Movie ] ***
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Softball ] ***
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
- Woody Allen
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Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
- Woody Allen
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Time ] ***
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen
More quotations on: [ Old Age ] ***
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