Henny Youngman Quotes - Famous Quotes by Henny Youngman
Born: 1906-03-16
Died: 1998-02-24
Henny Youngman Biography
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Doctor ] ***
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Work ] ***
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Food ] ***
A bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Food ] ***
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Doctor ] ***
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Drinking ] ***
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!"
The man says "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Doctor ] ***
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Polish ] ***
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Mother-in-Law ] ***
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Atheist ] ***
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Doctor ] ***
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Work ] ***
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
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In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.
I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"
He said, "because I was going up!"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Polish ] ***
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Drinking ] ***
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Hotel ] ***
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
- Henny Youngman
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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- Henny Youngman
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She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Beauty ] ***
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] ***
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Money ] ***
The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Doctor ] ***
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Golf ] ***
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Marriage ] [ Shopping ] ***
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Drinking ] ***
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Jewish ] [ Divorce ] ***
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
- Henny Youngman
More quotations on: [ Jewish ] ***
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